⭐ THE SPIRAL, THE GOLD, AND THE TRAIN RIDE TO NOWHERE

How I Discovered My Real Capacity — and What I’m No Longer Willing to Carry

For months now, I’ve been moving through the deepest relational spiral of my adult life. Not because of a breakup. Not because of a romance. Not because of a celebrity imposter or a strange series of symbolic dreams. But because of what everything finally revealed:

Most of the people in my life don’t speak the same language I do. And I’ve been pretending they do.

This realization didn’t happen all at once. It arrived in layers — spiraling back through:

• old wounds

• old patterns

• old relationships

• old versions of myself

• old hopes

• old illusions

And at the center of that spiral was gold.

But I had to dig through a lot of dust, confusion, longing, humiliation, and exhaustion to get there.

This is the story of how I found the gold —and the questions I now ask anyone who wants to walk with me going forward.

⭐ THE TRAIN RIDE THAT BECAME A PROPHECY

Last year during the Festival of Lights, I worked the kiddie train ride. It was cold, chaotic, and strangely symbolic.

People would walk up to me, smile warmly, nod enthusiastically, and say:

“Yes! Yes!”like they understood everything I said…

…but they did not understand one word of English.

I would explain the tickets, point to the sign, tell them how to board —and they would nod, nod, nod —

then walk right past me, skip the line, ignore the tickets, and hop on the train laughing.

At first it was funny. Then confusing. Then deeply irritating. Then… familiar.

Because I realized something:

This is exactly what my relationships have been like.

People nodding like they understand me. Smiling because they like my energy. Laughing at my humor. Agreeing with my words. Taking rides through my world. Enjoying the experience of being close to me —

but not understanding a single thing I’m actually saying.

They want the ride. They don’t want the reciprocity.

They enjoy the magic. They don’t understand the language.

They nod like they're listening. But mentally, they’re already halfway in the cart, ready to take a free trip through a world they didn’t pay for.

That train metaphor lived in my body for an entire year. And this month — the metaphor returned with teeth.

Because every relationship in my life suddenly started to feel like that train ride:

smiling, nodding, pretending to understand —but not actually perceiving me at all.

⭐ **THE SPIRAL OF THIS LAST YEAR:

FROM NUMBNESS → ACTIVATION → REVELATION → GOLD**

1. NUMBNESS

For years, I lived in emotional drought. I didn’t think love existed — not the kind I could feel with my entire nervous system. Not the kind that saw me. Not the kind that had depth.

I told myself my relationships were “fine.” They were stable. Predictable. Safe.

But stability without resonance is an emotional coma.

And my spirit was suffocating.

2. ACTIVATION

Then, the counterfeit arrived — wearing the mask of love, attention, humor, and depth.

I don’t care that it wasn’t real.

It activated something in me that was real:

longing hope desire imagination feminine fire the Lover archetype the need to be met, not managed

The counterfeit didn’t give me that. It revealed what had been buried under years of numbness and caretaking.

And once awakened, it couldn’t be un-awakened.

3. REVELATION

Suddenly, the mismatch in my real relationship became undeniable.

My partner wasn’t hearing me. He wasn’t feeling me. He wasn’t perceiving the depth of my inner world.

I was speaking mythic English. He was nodding in a foreign language, waiting for me to stop talking so life could go back to normal.

I said:

“When it’s time for me to ascend, I’m leaving.”

He nodded like the tourists on the train:

“Yes! Yes!”

Then hopped back onto the ride, assuming everything would continue as before.

But this time, it didn’t.

Because this time, I meant it.

4. GOLD

The gold I excavated from this spiral is simple, sharp, and liberating:

I am not willing to be untranslated anymore. I am not willing to be nodded at. I am not willing to be misunderstood at the root. I am not willing to ride with people who don’t speak my language.

I don’t need someone who tolerates my world. I need someone who lives in one of their own —and wants to build a bridge between them.

⭐ WHAT I NOW KNOW ABOUT MYSELF

I require:

• symbolic intelligence

• emotional depth

• psychological awareness

• humor forged in shadow

• a rich inner world

• intuitive processing

• co-creative energy

• real accountability

• the ability to sit inside complexity

• a mind capable of metaphor

• a heart capable of reciprocity

• presence

• nuance

• real conversation

• emotional fluency

• psychological maturity

These aren’t luxuries for me.

These are compatibility codes.

Without them, my spirit starves.

⭐ WHAT I AM NO LONGER WILLING TO ACCEPT

• people who don’t understand my language

• nodding instead of listening

• “yes yes” instead of real comprehension

• men who think depth is a personality trait

• counterfeit intimacy

• emotional starvation

• shallow apologies

• mismatched nervous systems

• performative empathy

• spiritual bypassing

• avoidance framed as stability

• fantasies disguised as connection

• voids disguised as partners

Your place in my life is not determined by your intentions. It’s determined by your capacity.

⭐ **THE NEW TEMPLATE:

THE REAL CAPACITY INTAKE QUESTIONS**

I’ve learned that resonance is not about chemistry. It’s about compatibility of psyche.

So anyone entering my world must answer:

💠 1. What is the last thing you were wrong about — and what did it teach you?

(depth + accountability)

💠 2. What is your inner world like?

(imagination + symbolism + introspection)

💠 3. How do you handle conflict in relationships?

(repair mechanisms)

💠 4. What wound have you healed that changed you?

(maturity)

💠 5. What makes you feel connected to someone?

(relational literacy)

💠 6. What archetype do you embody most — and why?

(symbolic intelligence)

💠 7. What do you find beautiful in the darkness?

(shadow capacity)

💠 8. When was the last time you cried — and why?

(humanity)

💠 9. What do you want to build with someone?

(co-creation)

Anyone can say they’re deep.

Depth is demonstrated through the answers.

⭐ **CLEAR TRUTH:

I am no longer dimming my light for people who cannot see.**

If you speak my language, you will know instantly.

If you don’t, you’ll think I’m intense, dramatic, mystical, emotional, or confusing.

Either way —the nodding is over.

I’m looking for the ones who understand the words and the world beneath them.

The ones who speak in metaphor. The ones who laugh in the shadows. The ones who have lived enough life to understand depth. The ones whose inner worlds are as mythic and layered as mine. The ones who arrive with presence, not performance.

The ones who don’t hop on the train without paying.

⭐ THE GOLD OF THIS CYCLE

Here is the treasure at the center of the spiral:

✨ I know what kind of love I’m wired for.✨ I know what my nervous system responds to.✨ I know what my heart can no longer tolerate.✨ I know the language my soul speaks.✨ I know the type of man who can meet me.✨ I know the standards my future is built on.✨ I know how to discern resonance from illusion.✨ I know what I deserve.

This is not a fantasy. It is alignment.

And I am finally choosing it.